you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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