Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
