wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
