what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
her facebook's as public as her vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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