I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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