I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
