I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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