Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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