I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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