i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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