So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
