doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come on in and take your pants off
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