You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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