i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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