did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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