my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
