did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The beer is more important than you right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
