I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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