I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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