I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
