just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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