she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think my fart just growled at me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ladies don't puke and tell
I would ride that face into the sunset
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
