Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
