Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
