Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
