man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
