I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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