The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
