i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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