my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
