i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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