so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
