I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
After last night, I could never be a politician.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
