respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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