I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
