We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
