I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
