Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
