I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
