True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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