her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
