Just cropdusted the office
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
