Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
