I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
