Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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