My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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