Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
