Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
