So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
