mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
