Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
