Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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