my phone needs a breathalizer
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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