i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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