don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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