the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
