I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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